What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 15:30
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I write beautiful poetry .
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We were not on the streets..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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She wouldn,t have been !
He was dying to do it , i knew.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Eius sequi culpa animi quod delectus deleniti deserunt.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Why are black women the largest unmarried group in the United States of America?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But, we were locked up after school.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was 9 years of age.
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She loved him until the end.
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Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
So, i spoilt her more .
My life is so biszare .
Ive learnt so much.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I said to her
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
How are max different from medical and minimum security prisons?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I waited trembling.
I have no regrets .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She married twice! .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But it wasn’t much.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
What did i know ?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Comes on , in middle age.
All the time i was locked up.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
So whats the point in blame.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My family never makes their pension either.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Im still living with it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We all went to grammer schools
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She was in good health!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I don,t even have a pension.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Was to survive, this bastard.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I will be 64.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As i do to all so called friends.?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was very sick at this time too.
I was seconnd youngest,
I couldn’t, believe it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
When she asked me how she looked .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
One cannot live in the past .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was scared of men, in general
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He resisted the act ,that day.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
It was going to be , some day.
Put me off passion for life!!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Why did i forgive my father ?
This is soul school!.
He knew the spot.
Would this be the day?
Who then, do I blame.?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And i lived it daily.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She found it foreign!.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I think the readers, may guess!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .